I always think that I’ve come to manage things better, that I’ve become more optimistic, and that I can see the changing times in a better light. This is true, but not in it’s entirety.
I am currently in a situation where something is going to go either one way or another. If it goes one way, it could mean things will get very stressful; my schedule will change, and I will be taking on a lot more work. If it goes another way, then very little will change for the time being (although a part of me thinks it may still change a bit).
As much as I want it to be the latter, or that the former is really not going to be as bad as I think it will be; I am having trouble coming to terms with it. In my mind, I am seeing the web of manipulation that has brought this person to this point in their lives, and how they now must make a decision that will ultimately effect multiple people, not just themselves. As I think more and more about it, I do not think they even fully understand the repercussions, and the consequences of the decision. However, I do think the person is aware that it is a difficult decision, perhaps not for the same reason I am able to see it for. I come to realize this through how he talks about it, and how my boyfriend discusses the issue with me.
I want to be positive, to try to see things in a better light, but I see the signs. I see how it affected my sleep (or lack there of), and how my boyfriend drank last night to deal with the stress he was under (he typically drinks only on weekends, not on weeknights). Whether he wants to admit to it or not, the decision is effecting him quite a bit, and he too, hopes that our coworker makes the right decision.
I don’t know what will happen, but I know the answer is coming. Perhaps the anxiety is for nothing; perhaps the stress is for nothing. Something tells me, that I know the decision before they walk through the door and tell us. Something tells me, I already know what that answer is going to be, and how things are going to be. Perhaps that desperation is back, and perhaps I have to fight once more. This time, I hope not to break; this time, I hope I can fight longer, and keep the darkness, the demons that engulfed me and dragged so far down into the shadows, at bay, and to their eventual destruction. If it happens, I know it will be different; everything would be different if it happens again. I just need to take the right actions sooner rather than later.